禁漫天堂

Hello, for respect to your privacity I will refer just the legal options: In all legal system there is an old reliable doctrine for divorce: The State cannot obligate any couple to live together which is the pilar of the matrimony. Therefore, oppositions to terminate the marriage are irrelevant.

The most to do is ask the Judge for a marital therapy at the moment of the mandatory mediation stage. The Therapist would determinate if there is any solution or not. However, it's just a mediation, no obligations.聽 In addition the TRC is up to the sponsor, who cannot be forced to renew it.

Hence, if there is not any property to devide,聽 do not spend much money in attorneys

This situation is entirely my fault. I was the one who broke promises, etc. Disregarded her and was lazy. Didn鈥檛 want to work and would just sit in front of the building every night drinking large amounts of alcohol. Which made me look bad in front of her and the neighbours and was often mentioned to her.
I did not treat her with the respect or kindness, at times, which she deserved.

I鈥檓 back in the U.K. now awaiting a surgical operation, but I want to return soon to try and save our marriage.

I have sent her messages to admit that I was wrong and wish to try to be better and to send her money to support her and my step son. But, she just fired back her anger that she has gained nothing from the marriage, and also refuses financial help. Now, she is ignoring me.

I really need to talk to her face to face and as I have a TRC for a spouse, I am registered to stay with her at her address. Which she may not be too keen on. She may just explode at me. It鈥檚 a gamble.

I want to oppose the divorce, and think I would need to get a lawyer there, too. Around how much is that likely to cost?

Maybe, I should just give her time and space to cool down as she tends to be very emotional.

The same happened when I returned to the U.K. last year after delivering nothing, but I managed to convince her to stay with me.

Will I never learn?

Sorry for the rant and any advice would be much appreciated. - @Earlyant

If yourPost is only about avoiding divorce, listen to the good advice by @ajairon

If you're true intention is about making amends with your wife (and her family) then you've got a ton of work to do and I hesitate giving you my opinion as to what's necessary, since it will probably appear to be quite critical.

If you're open to hearing my best advice--My opinion--I will do my best to be as respectful as possible in reply

@Earlyant

You might want to take a look through the Vietnamese Family Law Act.

In the first post of that thread you'll find a link to the act. There, do a search for the word "foreign".

Good luck.

I don't know about the specifics in Vietnam, but as a general rule, if one party wants a divorce there's nothing the other party can do to prevent it.

I don't know about the specifics in Vietnam, but as a general rule, if one party wants a divorce there's nothing the other party can do to prevent it. - @Malcolmleitrim

Same in VN, since 2014 (if I recall).

@OceanBeach92107

Thank you very much and any advice would be much appreciated.

I am at a loss about the best thing to do at the moment.

Because of me shattering her dreams, she is completely ignoring my messages or my attempts at reconciliation.聽 She is no fool. She did mention that she gave me another chance last year. Why have I been so complacent?

Maybe, she just needs more time and space for her emotions to settle.

I am giving serious thoughts to cancelling the operation and returning soon, because I genuinely want to try and save our message. But, that has many pitfalls and could just make things worse.

Insisting on having to stay at the same address as her due to TRC being registered to that address, and insinuating that she could get in trouble with the police if I don鈥檛, which I think is right, would probably result in her exploding.

Geez, I鈥檓 an idiot. Never appreciate what I have until I鈥檝e lost it.

@Aidan in HCMC

Sincere thanks, I will take a look at that information.

@OceanBeach92107
Thank you very much and any advice would be much appreciated.

I am at a loss about the best thing to do at the moment.

- @Earlyant

Please keep in mind I'm only responding to what you wrote and drawing on my minimal experience in counseling as a psych nurse AND my own personal experiences.

Number one and most important: You've got to stop drinking.

I don't mean slow down your drinking or drink less or stop getting drunk.

I mean stop drinking totally.

You can do it through a program like a 12-step or you can do it yourself cold turkey.

But you will never regain the ability to totally commit yourself to this marriage if you are not sober.

Perhaps even more important than that, you really can't come to a clear-headed decision about what you want to do if you aren't sober.

Alcohol is a depressant and brings on terrible melancholy, with people under the influence to that extent making decisions that they never seriously intend to keep.

Let's give you the benefit of the doubt and suppose that there was a time that you were clear-headed when you went into this relationship and you were honestly and sincerely committed to making it work.

But things changed along the way and for whatever reason, you begin to be either drunk or hungover the majority of the time.

I'm only basing this on what you've said and also some very common behavior in foreigners who come here to get married for selfish reasons and then have trouble sticking with the responsibilities of marriage.

There's a whole lot more I could say but, please believe I'm trying to be sincere and helpful here and telling you that if you don't approach this with a sober mindset, then you aren't going to accomplish the goals you set, and the goals you set will almost certainly be unrealistic.

I hope that sounds like a promising plan to you, because I personally can't envision you making any progress with your wife until you accomplish that.

I sincerely hope for the very best for you 馃檹

O.B.

There is no problem in the world that drinking doesn't make worse!

There is no problem in the world that drinking doesn't make worse! - @Malcolmleitrim

Well, technically and literally speaking, alcohol is a solution.

There is no problem in the world that drinking doesn't make worse! - @Malcolmleitrim

Well, technically and literally speaking, alcohol is a solution. - @Aidan in HCMC

A flammable solution at that!

@OceanBeach92107

Yes, I need to quit the booze.

Not only for the relationship and to get her respect back, but also my health.

Sound advice, thank you.

The wife sent a message the other day asking for money for living expenses which I promptly sent her.

Repeated about trying to start again and that it was my fault and I would change. And, asked about step son.

She didn鈥檛 answer and closed the 鈥榮ilent treatment鈥� curtain again. I mean, what the hell???

The only way that she will know I am changing is to be over there with her so she can see it.

Words from the other side of the world won鈥檛 be enough.

Still waiting for the operation date so that muddies the water.

Thanks again for all the help, guys.

The wife sent a message the other day asking for money for living expenses which I promptly sent her.
Repeated about trying to start again and that it was my fault and I would change. And, asked about step son.

She didn鈥檛 answer and closed the 鈥榮ilent treatment鈥� curtain again. I mean, what the hell???

The only way that she will know I am changing is to be over there with her so she can see it.

Words from the other side of the world won鈥檛 be enough.

Still waiting for the operation date so that muddies the water.

Thanks again for all the help, guys. - @Earlyant

You posted this immediately after you posted that you need to quit the booze.

Which implies that you haven't done so yet.

I know this sounds insensitive, but you really need to man up.

You need to absolutely follow all of your obligations as a husband and parent without even a hint of a need for any positive feedback from her.

If it's your obligation to your family, then your family doesn't owe you any special kudos.

Dry up and stay dry for at least 90 days and continue All of your obligations like a man.

Then at the end of 90 days maybe you can reach out to her for more than just the opportunity to provide the obligations that you already have.

I think we all would like to be helpful, but you absolutely have to do your part first

I鈥檓 off the booze now. Switched to Ginger Ale.

Concentrating on my guitar playing takes my mind off it, as well as playing old RTS games on PC.

Still thinking of returning back soon so that we can at least discuss things face to face.

This wall of silence is driving me nuts.

Hello Earlyant,

I've read your posts ,it's great that you've quit drinking, but you need to stay strong. Whenever the cravings hit, think of your wife,聽 that might help you push through.

As for skipping your surgery to be with her, I don鈥檛 think that鈥檚 a good idea. You want to be with her for life, not just for a few days. You need to be healthy so you can take care of her.

I understand how you鈥檙e feeling not being by her side, being afraid she might divorce you or leave you鈥� You just want to run to her and say how much you love her, that you can鈥檛 live without her, that you deeply regret the past and want to change yourself to make up for it. You鈥檇 give up everything just to be with her.

That feeling when you send messages and worry that she might not read them or won鈥檛 understand your heart鈥� constantly holding your phone, waiting for a reply, staring blankly while wondering what she鈥檚 doing, where she鈥檚 going鈥�

But trust me, she鈥檚 reading them. She just thinks you鈥檙e only saying things to feel better and that everything will go back to the same old pattern.

So for now, focus on your surgery. Just send her a few messages each day 鈥� tell her you鈥檝e quit drinking, that you鈥檙e exercising and preparing for surgery. And that after you鈥檝e recovered, you鈥檒l come see her so she can see your transformation for herself.

Oh and send her a small bouquet of flowers or her favorite food every day. Even if she鈥檚 mad at you, she won鈥檛 throw it in the trash. ^^

By the way, I own a restaurant 鈥� just in case you need one, hahaha.

Wishing you the best of luck

Thanks for the advice.

I am giving serious thought to returning so that she can see the sincerity in my eyes. And, will maybe see that I am committed to her.

But, due to the fragility of the marriage now. Doing that could just break it. Especially, if I decide to go unannounced.

She may see it as trying to control, manipulate and pressure her. And, place her in an awkward situation. Especially when surrounded by gossipy neighbours who are not particularly nice.

She said that if I did return then she would go to stay with a friend and that I would loose her completely.

I need to show her my sincerity by talking to her, and she can see that I don鈥檛 drink. But, she has blocked calls from me in Zalo which means my only option is sending words followed by more words. Which just results in her blaming me for the failings again which I have admitted to. And, putting me down with some harsh comments.

She says she has applied for a visa to work in Japan. If she has, then time is ticking away. And, I have no date for the operation yet.

I鈥檓 at the bottom of a dark pit, and I just can鈥檛 find the correct button to press.

Should I stay or should I go?

Rushing back could show weakness and being needy. Women do not find that appealing.

I need to show her my sincerity by talking to her, and she can see that I don鈥檛 drink. - @Earlyant

Although you're free to do what you want to do, this is why having a sponsor in a 12-step group is usually the best route to take.

IMO, You don't need to talk with her and you don't need to see her face to face.

You need to spend the next 90 days fixing yourself and fulfilling your obligations to your family, meaning financial obligations.

Focus on staying sober and making sure that she has those things you are obligated to provide.

You can do that without ever seeing her face to face.

The desperation you are feeling is your problem not hers.

Unfortunately as you sober up you may need to honestly look at why you got married in the first place.

Maybe there really isn't a foundation for a long-term, responsible relationship there, and it might be that divorce is the best option.

But, I'm trying to think positive here for you and the best advice that I can offer is stop trying to get the fulfillment from her that she's not ready to give.

90 days isn't such a long time, unless you're absolutely unbalanced.

It really sounds like you need a sponsor and I would be on the lookout for a 12-step recovery group near you.

Whatever you do, as insensitive as this sounds, you've really got to stop whining, because that's absolutely unattractive to Vietnamese women.

When you finally do see her again, she's only going to want to be with you if she sees a strong, sober guy who's ready to be committed to the family, not just her.

I'm pretty sure I recall you saying that you have children so you have to understand that now you have children, she's committed to them and you are supposed to be committed to them as a family unit.

The days of her deferring to you all the time are probably mostly over, because right now, if she's like most Vietnamese women she's deferring to the children, and she expects you to support her in that role without you needing to be treated like another child in the family.

Again, apologies for being blunt but this is a very very common scenario for foreigner men who come here and marry Vietnamese women and then have children.

Most are absolutely unprepared for the transition in the relationship, which often explains them finding comfort in more and more alcohol.

P.S.: There's a difference between not drinking and becoming sober.

It's always a good thing when someone wants to stop drinking and they do so, but if that's all they do they usually retain the same thinking and feelings that they had when they were intoxicated all the time.

Some long time AA people refer to it as being a "dry drunk".

That's where a good program and a sponsor comes in.

You are able to separate yourself from the home or work situation where you are having trouble functioning and work through a new way of thinking and feeling about yourself and those with whom you are connected.

It's hard work when you look at it as a 90-day monster to tackle.

Easier if you see it as a "One day at a Time鈥� journey.

Good luck!

@OceanBeach92107

Kinder, wiser words have not been spoken. I'm referring to our guy who, by his own admission, sat on the front stoop drinking as the neighbors feed his wife the truth about what a deadbeat he is.

My $0.02 worth.

First, those 90 days of recovery are split into two categories. One is abstinence -- not drinking. Second is "stage II recovery," which is everything that happens after the abstinence "kicks in." And that would be that 12-Step thing with the sponsor guiding him to *change the entire way he's been thinking about how the world works and how he fits into it.* Why? Because the previous *template* for "how the world works and how I fit into it" included that it was somehow all right for him to sit on the front stoop and drink until the neighbors saw it and thought ill of him! Long before the drink, there was that thinking going on!

Second, that if his focus is on "saving his marriage," his recovery's focus will be misplaced. He needs to recover (as above)聽 because he wants to get healthy. If he saves his marriage as a result of that, great, but the focus *has to be on himself* first -- at least until he can think clearly and check in with the sponsor and incorporate all the wisdom of the people who've gone before to successfully turn their lives around, too -- from the same problem.

Good luck!

And here's a pro tip on relationships in early recovery from one who has gone before:

@OceanBeach92107

He is not my biological son. She had him with her previous partner. Though, I consider him as my son so don鈥檛 use the word Step.

She won鈥檛 let me contact him - which hurts.

She worked in Japan before and I do not know if she is being honest about applying for another work visa for there or not.

Though, if she is and I don鈥檛 go back soon to try and sort things out then, I will have lost my chance. As, she would be in Japan somewhere.

Though confronting her when the situation is so fragile could just result in destroying everything.

Thank you for your suggestion regarding the group.

@OceanBeach92107
Kinder, wiser words have not been spoken. I'm referring to our guy who, by his own admission, sat on the front stoop drinking as the neighbors feed his wife the truth about what a deadbeat he is.

Yes, I think she got a lot of 鈥榝eedback鈥� about me from the neighbours鈥�

鈥楯ust sits there drinking and smoking. Doesn鈥檛 want to work and no motivation to do anything.鈥�

Thanks for the link.

Sorry to break your heart buddy but it sounds like you're flogging a dead horse it's time to cut the rope you need to learn from this and treat the next one totally different the more you text the more rejection you will get you have one small home stop all contact if you replies after a while you have a chance if she doesn't then learn from this and get off that freaking alcohol it destroys more marriages than anything

Like everyone else said. You need to get yourself in good working order before to can get your marriage in good working order.

12 step program and keep sending money is your main obligation now. Do that while waiting for the situation to further develop.