My big problem is that I can never keep an opinion to myself. Something my Kenyan ex-wife repeatedly reminded me about. Coming from an extremely open, honest and liberal country, I often say too much too loud. So being offered the chance of commenting on intercultural relationships in Kenya I would have to be tied down to stop me commenting. It is probably one of the most controversial topics you can discuss and it's impossible not to provoke someone when being honest about it. My piece here is seen from a white guy meeting Kenyan lady, so that's my limit.
With that said, I think Kenya is one of the easiest countries in Africa to be in an intercultural relationship. It's totally accepted throughout I think except when religious beliefs are a problem. What is the standard myth? An older, kidogo overweight, white guy with a bit more pesa than the average man in a nightclub with a skinny young Kenyan beauty? These exist, but in real life I think these are in minority.
The challenge for a Kenyan lady finding a long lasting relationship with let's say a guy from the white world and settle in Kenya, is why is he here, how long is he here for, will he get a permit to stay here, work? Most businessmen, NGO workers, UN, diplomats, contract workers, etc are her for 1-3 years. After that most will leave Kenya. That's a fact many Kenyan ladies has paid a price for. Then you have the tourists at the coast. Some come exclusively for the sun and the ladies. Marriage material? Most are not. I have been wondering why so many of my retired friends away from the coast seem to succeed in their intercultural relationship. And also some foreigners with own companies. It's because the ladies know that he will never leave, he has a stable income and he doesn't need a work permit to survive. I must have met hundreds of guys who have fallen in love with a Kenyan woman and who is desperate to find a living here, but almost no one succeeds. Kenya has enough work force herself, actually too much.
About the cultural differences, there are many pitfalls. and it is usually about different expectations. Men and women find it hard to understand each other all over the world. With extremely different cultural backgrounds the challenges multiply. A European male friend of mine returned to UK after 10 years in Kenya and said to me, there is no unconditional love between man and woman in Africa. I don't know. Maybe it's there. It could be interesting to hear others' opinion. But the macho culture has clearly had an impact on 'love' here.
But after 15 years in Kenya and several more in Africa, I believe this country has some of the finest women you can imagine. And they are hungry for respect and attention in this male dominated society.
A white man in Kenya gets too much attention - almost from everyone. That is sad. A newcomer might actually think he is 'king' while he is not. So it is easy to misunderstand one's status. It is hard for a foreigner who is not religious to find a partner here. He or she will often think you are a satanist if you say that you don't believe in anything special. While in Europe the churches are getting more and more empty, here they are filled up every weekend. Just a discussion about God's existence can provoke many.
Then it's the 'dowry' matter. There is actually a group of Kenyan men calling themselves 'Men against dowry' or something. If you want to marry a Kenyan lady, be prepared for the dowry question. The lady and even her parents might sometimes accept the no dowry option, but most likely more distant family members will bring it up. In Europe dowry was normal at the times when most families were farmers. When a guy went to another farm and brought that farmer's daughter back to his farm, he took away labour, so a compensation was necessary. In rural Kenya it's the same scenario. But why should a guy pay the family if he marries a lady who has lived her whole life in Nairobi? Anyway, that's just my personal opinion. Several foreigners I know thought it was a funny and exotic tradition and could brag about 'buying a wife in Africa' when talking to their buddies back home. Maybe not the best advert for Africa.
Another issue is when a couple actually marry, which law should they use? I know several foreigners who wished they had chosen their own country's law and not the Kenyan. It's no secret that many marriages end after a shorter or longer time. Based on Kenyan law, despite new and more liberal laws, it can take ages to get divorced here. Separation is easy, but divorce is a challenge. And of course you cannot marry again before you are divorced and splitting your common property can take time. While in parts of Europe a separation lasts for one year and then you are divorced. It's something many forget when the pink love cloud hangs over them.
At last I want to bring up a question which is a bit controversial, but I have heard several Kenyans discussing it. If a local lady gets a kid with a foreigner and the kid obviously has a white dad. If they break up it is said that it's hard for the mother to find a Kenyan partner because it is too obvious that he is not the dad. This is an interesting social and cultural matter. Any opinions from members?
I guess I could write a book, but will stop here.
