poem critics--what do you think?

honey&lemon · 2012-03-29T12:49:37+02:00

Explore heartfelt critiques on a poignant poem about unrequited love and longing, reflecting the expat experience and everyday emotions.

honey&lemon Active member

Member since 29 March 2012

honey&lemonActive member29 March 2012 10:49:37

read the zodiac
says im going to put my emotions
in simple yet solid utter
in words i will surely remember
nay, not today in mind no other matter
but as i looked into myself
my emotions seems to shatter

it was like an everlasting one sided romance
for years and years waited for a chance
for years and years silently loving this man
for years and years witnessed the fun
for years and years listened to the plans

in my face i witnessed
twice聽 silver rings from the finger removed
each ring engraved in my mind
like a maze and lines
those were the hurting designs
of those two engagement silver rings
in the finger of my beloved

it was like waiting forever
of how everything will end
of how the stories of the silver rings
will give pleasure to the one
i prayed to my God
can i be the one
to wear the ring of gold
and fill in the loneliness
of the ring-emptied-finger
of the one long loved

it was like an answered prayer
everything went fine
everything went perfect
dates and plans were made
house and travels were arranged
vacation and holiday was set
to a place were lovers can melt
the finger is happy once again
the silver ring came shining

for the third and final time
i witnessed in my face
the one that i love so dearly
will have his vows finally
in years and years of waiting
in years and years of praying
in years and years of yearning
at last my prayer came to an end
as answer is being said
my dearly beloved--so so beloved
will soon be united

the story of the ringed finger will end
for eternally and forever it will be
part of my beloved's existence
and forever an etched to my heart
i may drown in ocean blue
but no prince will come to save me
i hope somebody can feel the real pain
in my face my beloved will be
my God forgive me but i envy the girl he married.

VidoDido ViP

Member since 11 November 2011

VidoDidoViP01 April 2012 15:29:10

1002

@honey&lemon ... Nice words, keep up the good works, keep writing but be happy and optimistic

@anna66 ... Its the first time for me reading Italian Poem, it has a lot of new vocabularies ... Good chance to improve my Italian ... Nice Words by the way

anna66 Guest

anna66Guest01 April 2012 16:01:11

Vido, grazie, shukran, merci, danke, spassiba, gracias, efkaristos聽聽聽
Cristine,聽 grazie (means thank you )

anna66 Guest

anna66Guest01 April 2012 23:31:39

I find this poem extremely amazing because聽 while reading through the lines i noticed the peot is talking about her personal experience.A love story with plans and hopes for the future聽 which ended badly.However i sympatise with the poet's hurt .

honey&lemon Active member

Member since 29 March 2012

honey&lemonActive member04 April 2012 17:50:19

a reflection of how an unsolicited love can turn out to be
either interracial or same nationality
either if you're an expat or within your own country.

it is just painfully looking at the person you love most
getting his plans and dreams unfolding before his eyes

---and in your face, stabbing your heart.

and there's nothing you can do about it
even the simplest yet poignant truth cannot be uttered
the expression you want to reveal doesn't matter.

silently, with endless tears you will surrender
keeping within yourself the reverie
of your true emotions for the one you love dearie.

HaileyinHongKong ViP

Member since 28 December 2010

HaileyinHongKongViP06 April 2012 16:48:28

4723

There once was a man from Nantucket...

honey&lemon Active member

Member since 29 March 2012

honey&lemonActive member04 May 2012 11:43:14

remembering being young
lot of things were dreamed about
lot of things being rushed
taken for granted
wanted to see the "real life"

a wonderful life,
work, success,
family, being loved.

thought that was just plain and simple
thought achieving dreams is so easy
after days and years gone by,
age cannot be denied
still uncertain,
is step one done??

working and struggling
too old yet still with no one
wanting to be loved
questions remained,
where?
who?
when?

tired of waiting
tired of struggling
is there anything worth this?

want to give up
to succumb to oblivion
where no pain
no shame
no broken heart
no shattered dreams
no more drowning tears

only fairy tale and rainbows
prince and castles
if could have gone back to youthful days
no need to rush
but enjoy every journey towards a dream
rush or sshh, life still remains the same
destiny will determine everything.

Popolocroix Serial expat

Member since 21 February 2012

PopolocroixSerial expat29 July 2012 10:57:56

423

I know a lot of people going about the same things that you are going through...

anyway, those were decent pieces...
...goodluck, and keep 'em coming....

honey&lemon Active member

Member since 29 March 2012

honey&lemonActive member30 July 2012 20:18:03

thanks for the encouragement!

hope somebody can share their poems too:)

anna66 Guest

anna66Guest30 July 2012 21:06:08

#10

Really cool

honey&lemon Active member

Member since 29 March 2012

honey&lemonActive member21 August 2012 18:05:47

#11

@MookaMetallica thanks much for appreciating.

here are some links from this forum, expressions of poets' mind./forum/viewtopic.php?id=158225 /forum/viewtopic.p 鈥� 179#841561